onlinedating

Photo © Nick Casberg - www.freerangestock.com

Once I came across a profile on an online dating site in which the member stated very openly that he was HIV positive and would only date someone else who was HIV positive, because he did not want to risk giving the disease to anyone else.

I mention this because lately I have been seeing multiple mentions of online dating sites for those with HIV. Straight or gay, I think being single and dating when you are HIV positive would present its own unique set of challenges. One of the biggest ones would be when to tell your dates about the HIV.

I had always thought it was incredibly brave and honest of that man to be so upfront about his HIV. Especially considering the site he was on. The site was geared towards heterosexual people of a particular religious faith.

Over the past week or so I have seen Google alerts about sites geared towards those who are HIV positive. On the one hand, I wonder if some people see the sites as some sort of virtual ‘leper colony’, and there could be negative connotations about them and their members. On the other hand, I am so glad that those with HIV have the opportunity to have a ‘safe’ and ‘accepting’ place for online dating. I imagine it could be terribly painful and draining emotionally to be on an online dating site with a membership that is ignorant about HIV, unaccepting of those with HIV, or is openly hostile to those who reveal their condition.

For more information:

HIV + Dating Sites Offer an Alternative by Ambrose Aban

Online Dating with HIV by Cherie Burbach

Today’s Question: What is YOUR take on HIV online dating websites?

Photo © Chance Agrella - www.freerangestock.com 

I saw this video clip of an interview with author Linda Franklin about her website for “Cougars”. Cougar is the slang term given to women who date or marry younger men. However, Linda is trying to redefine the word to mean a woman over 40 who has her act together, with no association to the age of her dates or significant other. Good luck with that, I say.

The word cougar is already well-established in its meaning, and no amount of trying to dress it up will change that. Her website is for Cougars only, though she states there is a large waiting list of ‘Cougar-hunters’. A cougar hunter is a younger man seeking an older woman for dating/romance, intimacy, and/or marriage. Even Linda implies this definition in her interview, which contradicts her claims that a cougar has nothing to do with the age difference.

There is a general rule of thumb when it comes to dating younger – for men and women – which is that half your age plus 7 is the minimum age you can date and not appear to be a perverted sicko. For example, a 40 year old could get away with dating someone 27years of age or older. For a 50 year old, the minimum age would be 32. For Hugh Hefner, it would be 48. For some reason, I don’t think Hugh Hefner much cares about such things. He is not alone, as there are women who date and marry below such a minimum age standard.

A few older woman/younger man couples include Susan Sarandon/Tim Robbins, Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher, Juliet Mills/Maxwell Caulfield, Melanie Griffith/Antonio Banderas, and Madonna/Guy Ritchie.

Though I tend to like older men, my personal rule of thumb has been if they are closer in age to my offspring than they are to me, they are too young. Since my teen is approximately 24 years younger than myself, it would mean that anyone more than 12 years younger than myself is too young. My personal rule ups the minimum age from the half plus seven rule. Interestingly, even though I prefer older men, my former spouse is younger than me by about 18 months, and my former fiancee’ is younger than me by about a year. One of the men I dated since my divorce whom I had the most chemistry with is about 6 years younger. However, my first love was 3 years older. Am I a closet cougar?

Many of the women I know who are on online dating websites are very uncomfortable with being pursued by men significantly younger than they are. The biggest question has been along the lines of what a 23 year old studmuffin could possibly want from a 38 year old divorced mother of three. The answer seems to be “experienced sex”, though I am told “experienced sex” is not the primary motivator for all cougar hunters.

This brings us to today’s question: What are YOUR thoughts and feelings on the topic of cougars and cougar hunters?

I came across this blog that mentioned an interactive game for daters. The game sounded interesting, so I tried it out. The game is VO5’s Interactive Ultimate Flirting Championship. It is available also as a widget you can install on your own site. The widget wouldn’t install here, so you will have to go to the link in order to play.

In the game you get to be either a judge or a player. Judges choose from pre-written questions to ask flirters. This process is timed. Flirters then come up with their best flirty answer. There are 3 players (1 judge and 2 flirters) in each ‘room’. When you enter, you are in a ‘waiting room’ until there are two more players for you to play with.

Have fun playing – and have a great weekend!

Today’s Question: If you play the game, please comment here about your reaction. What did you like and dislike about it?

The Interactive Flirting Game may be found at: http://onlinedating.today.com/wp-admin/post.php?action=edit&post=97

 Photo © Chance Agrella - www.freerangestock.com

Though I never experienced this, I know of multiple people who joined an online dating website only to discover to their horror that their ex was already a member, or to find out at some later date that their ex had just joined the same site. 

Some former partners took their private issues with one another to the public forum – engaging in bitter diatribes in their profiles and posting malicious gossip on message boards. 

Some left the site in fear of being harassed themselves by the ex, or having anyone they dated harassed by the ex. 

Others seemed to just ignore one another, and went about their business with very few knowing they were formerly married to one another. 

Though I did experience some garbage from a few men who I refused to date, only dated once, or broke up with, by and large the majority of the men I had contact with either ignored me later or were friendly with me.  I appreciated their mature behavior. 

This leads me to today’s question: When it comes to exes on online dating websites, what do YOU think is the best way to handle it? Does your opinion change if you think one of the partners is a truly nasty or malicious person?

Photo © Chance Agrella - www.freerangestock.com

Something I have found to be very helpful in dating is learning effective tools for marriage and parenting. These skills help me to be a better partner, and give me a better chance for success in marriage. Learning about these things now before I need to apply them helps me implement the behaviors and tools into my life now, and to have a much better idea of what relationships and situations are worthy of pursuing . . .or not.

I think that sometimes people overlook the need to be a good partner in dating and relationships, and just figure they will take care of that once they are married, or that it will all somehow fall into place once they are married. However, as in any endeavor people want to undertake that means something to them, strong preparation is a big part of creating success.

I found some really good and helpful free resources of information on the Utah state website. There are free classes, tips, articles, and more all related to dating, marriage, parenting, and combining families.

Dating and Relationship Tips and Traps

Tips and Questionnaire – Before Considering Marriage

Free Online Classes 

Marriage Facts/Marriage Myths Busted

Tips for Success in Marriage, Parenting; and How Children Affect Marriage

Marriage and Finance – Budget Ideas; Can You Afford to be ‘Happy’; and More

Other Marriage Websites (from other states and organizations)

Upcoming Dating, Relationship, Marriage, and Parenting Events in Utah

If you are serious about looking for love and marriage, these resources may be very helpful to you. Look for upcoming events in your state on the appropriate state website to find free classes, workshops, and more.

Today’s Question: What has been the most beneficial thing YOU have done for yourself when it comes to dating/relationships/marriage?

 Photo © Marianne Venegoni - www.freerangestock.com

I have seen a few ads, alerts, and articles lately about special online dating websites that are only for ‘beautiful people’. To join, other members must rate your photos high or you get the boot.

It seems to me that such a setup would encourage people to post fake, outdated, or doctored photos. Another suspicion is that those using such sites would tend to be insecure, egomaniacal, vain, and shallow.  For those who are in the online dating trenches seeking real love and acceptance, regardless of their own looks or the looks of others, such a site would seem to be counterproductive. 

But, perhaps I am misjudging the purpose, function, and membership of such sites. I have never had an interest in joining one, so I cannot speak from experience – I can only surmise based upon what I have read of the promotional materials and site home pages. 

This brings us to today’s question: If you have ever been a member or are currently a member of a ‘for beautiful people only’ online dating site, what do YOU see as the pros and cons of the site?

 Photo © Chance Agrella - www.freerangestock.com

I found this gem of a blog online that referred to a Wall Street Journal article about online dating and divorce.  I have heard people speculate that meeting online increases the odds of a divorce should you marry. I disagree, and part of the Wall Street Journal article shows findings that agree with me. 

I have seen far too many people rush into relationships and emotional involvement, based only upon a profile, a photo, or a few flirty phone calls. Even in real life, people are so vested in finding love that they rush in where angels fear to tread. 

In the ‘good ole days’ there was a thing known as courtship. Some compare it to dating today, but there are distinct differences. In traditional courtships, there were chaperones, family involvement, and the ‘dates’ were over the course of long periods of time. There was no sex or living together first to test the water. The focus was on truly getting to know one another. Courting involved long walks, community picnics and dances, monogamy, a lot of conversing and getting acquainted, and chaste physical conduct. In the process, courting couples also became well acquainted with the friends and family of one another.  Marriage was a serious thing, and so was courtship. 

Fast forward to today and dating. A date is a dinner, a movie, a night out bowling, dancing, or some other activity. Usually, daters are dating more than one person at the same time. Today, people date for many reasons, and most of them are not related to forming a “til death do we part” type relationship.  These reasons along with how courting has changed into dating, are contributing factors to divorce. These reasons along with the change to dating have caused people to lose sight of what is truly important in finding a mate, and in creating a lasting relationship. There is little if any groundwork laid before a couple becomes seriously involved and marries – and that is when the trouble hits the fan. 

Interfering friends and relations, hidden character flaws and addictions, and the reality of  who each partner really is suddenly become apparent, but the vows have already been made. At this point, the couple can selflessly strive to make their marriage work, or they can bitterly blame one another, punish one another, and divorce. 

If you want to avoid a divorce, your best odds are in becoming a great partner yourself, and in taking the time to truly get acquainted with someone before you marry them. Make sure each of you possess the drive to selflessly love, support, and care for one another before you marry. Make sure you both have the commitment to make it work through the rough patches that will most assuredly come. 

As my dear friend John once advised me, “The only reason to get married is when there is no reason not to.” If there is a reason not to, resolve it before you marry. 

Today’s Question:  What, in Your opinion, is the number one cause of divorce?

Photo © Roxana Gonzalez - www.freerangestock.com 

I have been bombarded as of late with info regarding various online dating niche sites. I have seen repeated alerts, articles, and ads about sites for seniors, plus-sized people, animal lovers, the disabled, beautiful people (only), geeks, various ethnicities, and various religions. With the niche site trend gaining momentum, and so many niches to choose, from, how does a person choose the right niche for them? 

I did a little research before I wrote this post by following up on the various sites. Approximately 95% of the sites I did a basic search on had no one who matched my very basic criteria within 250 miles of me. My criteria was male, between the ages of 35 and 55, and displaying a photo. 

Of the remaining 5%, the few matches I got were overwhelmingly not matches for me at all due to other factors – primarily in what the men were looking for in a date/mate/relationship.  Many were looking for ‘side action’ while involved or married, or for sexual encounters. 

I checked out several dozen niche dating sites over the past week, and of those, I found perhaps 5 profiles of men that seemed like match possibilities. The criteria after my basic search was that the man was looking for a relationship (not sexual encounters or casual dating),  he wasn’t already attached (he was completely single/legally divorced), and that he didn’t smoke and drink (I don’t). If I were in the market for a niche site to join, I would be feeling very frustrated at this point. 

When it comes to online niche dating sites, there are multiple niches I could easily fit into. However, as my basic searches show, if there is not even one basic match within reasonable dating distance, it becomes a moot point. 

Though my greatest level of success in dating and relationships via online dating websites has come from a niche site, I would guess it was the exception and not the rule. It might be age or it might be location; but for me, based on my research, niche dating would not be an effective way to find a mate.  Your experience may vary. 

A great way to sift through the niche dating sites before joining is to use the free basic search tool on their home page. If you get matches, be sure to read through the info with each match. One site I ran such a test on suggested some companion sites. When I tried the companion sites, I got results of people who matched the main site – not the companion sites on which I was searching. That led me to wonder if the search feature was rigged in order to encourage membership. 

That was not the only site that I suspected had rigged results. Another site I tried also had companion sites, and surprisingly, I got the same numbers on each site. Each site informed me that I had a specific number over two thousand in matches and if I joined I could view them all.  Each site gave me the exact same number.  I find it doubtful that I actually had that many matches on a niche site, and that I had that same number on every site in their network. That tells me that either they are making up a number, or they are using profiles across all the sites – not necessarily the niche you choose. Either way, it makes it fruitless to join a niche site if you aren’t getting matches that fit the niche. For example, if you are a plus-sized gal and you join a site for plus-sized people and those who love them, you would expect any match to be plus-sized and/or be okay with dating a plus-sized person. However, if the site matches you with someone from their geek site that is not at all into plus-sized women – how awful would you feel? 

Today’s Question: How do YOUR experiences with niche dating sites compare to those on more general dating sites?

 Photo © Aleksandar Momirovic - www.freerangestock.com

I wanted to try something new here on the Online Dating blog. I am calling it Pet Peeves and it is a forum for rants, raves, and general gripes about various online dating issues. 

Each time I post a Pet Peeve topic, it will be your chance to vent, rant, and gripe about the pet peeves you have in that topic. There will be no “Today’s Question” posted, per se, because the post is intended as a rant session amongst fellow online daters. 

The purpose is not only to get it out of our collective systems, but to laugh together, commiserate together, share advice, and to perhaps see that we are not alone in having a few online dating frustrations. 

Today’s topic is Online Dating Websites – the features, lack of features, customer support or lack thereof, the prices, the rules, etc that drive us all crazy. 

I will get you all started with a few of my pet peeves with online dating websites: 

Hidden charges. I think it is deceitful for online dating websites to advertise they offer ‘free memberships’ when it fact it is a ‘free profile’ and everything else comes with a fee. 

With that, I think it is sleazy for online dating websties to hide the fees. There are sites out there that only show you what the fees will be once you have gone through the lengthy and tedious process of registering and setting up a profile. Then and only then do they hit you with the sticker shock. 

Not letting you hide your profile/suspend your account/leave the site. There are also sites out there that do not allow for the option to hide your profile from certain groups you are not interested in, suspend your account when you are pursuing a relationship or want to take a dating break, or easily leave the site altogether when you no longer want a membership. 

One top site will only let you leave if you call them and go through their ridiculous sales pitch and prodding. They try to convince you that you have not tried hard enough, given it enough time, etc. I find such tactics disgusting and dishonorable. 

There are a few of mine – now it is your turn. What pet peeves do YOU have with online dating websites?

Photo © Daniella Nicole

Yesterday I posted about letting the quality of your online dating interactions be your guide when it comes to when to exchange phone numbers, meet in person, and pursue things further. Today, I want to address another aspect of calendars and relationships.

The flip side of not running relationships by calendars is the impulsive rush some feel about getting acquainted and dating. It is not a contest or race. While you can learn a lot about a person in a short amount of time, that does not make it a wise choice to race down the aisle. There is a lot more to choosing a mate than conversations and candlelight, and there is a lot more to creating a long lasting relationship than mutual attraction and a few good dates.

So with tossing out the calendar comes the admonition to learn how to not get emotionally involved from the get-go with everyone you meet online. Take things one step at a time, and think of the getting acquainted process as a fact-finding mission – not a mate-finding mission.

The whole purpose of getting acquainted is to see how mutually well matched you are for a long-term relationship. If all you want is a date – anyone will do. If you want a mate, you need to really understand who you are and what you want. Then, in getting acquainted, you need to really find out who the other person is and what they truly want – and be honest with yourself as to whether you can provide those things for them or not.

While you are being honest, you need to ascertain whether the other person can honestly provide you with the things you need from a partner in a relationship. This is why even though you may get acquainted quickly, it may not be advisable to jump into a serious relationship or marriage quickly – there is still a lot of discovery left to do. It is important to learn how each of you handles various situations alone and as a team. It is important to discover how outside factors such as friends, family, and work will affect your relationship and partnership.

I have always maintained that you will find more truth in what people do than in what they say. Observing and interacting with people over the long-term will show you more truth about who they really are than observations made over the course of only a handful of events.

Today’s Question: What ‘rules’ do you live by when it comes to online dating and relationships?